So I went to work today and was fully prepared for the crap that was going to be surrounding me. What I wasn’t prepared for were the emotions I was going to deal with at the end of the day. I drove my friend and I into work and we stopped by at Starbucks on the way in, I just ordered a Shaken Black tea, unsweetened for me and a Vanilla Mocha Latte for her. That’s all I had until around 12pm…I got really busy with work and I started getting really shaky. I had forgotten to pack anything of substance but I did bring one of those god awful Atkins Advantage shakes, so I had that. Then I ran downstairs to the vending machine in desperation to find something I could eat. They had a protein pack that had 10 grams of carbs and 11 grams of protein. High high sodium though, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t able to eat until after 2pm. Once I ate, I felt better. I came home and had a protein shake with Almond milk and Whey Protein Powder, and that is all I have had since 4:30pm…it’s now 8:30pm and I haven’t made dinner yet…boyfriend is working late.
So of course there were treats everywhere. I looked for protein sources and of course, there were none. Just brownies, cake, jello, cupcakes, candy, chocolate. Shit I can’t eat. Very frustrating to say the least. Later on I went to my friend’s house to pass out candy to the kids in her neighborhood. It was a blast, but then I got crabby when I returned home, mostly because while I am happy I didn’t eat anything bad, I am pissed I couldn’t. This is not an easy task, and like my boyfriend says, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.
I ended up in tears, feeling frustrated and feeling like I don’t know what I can or can’t eat. I don’t even want to eat but I know I have to. This aggressive weight loss program can go to hell. I know I need to do it and am ready to do it, but when I realized that I had less carbs to work with, the challenge was for real. If I eat my dinner tonight and all that I have imputed into MFP, I will only have consumed 1,000 calories today, which includes physical activity which burned calories today (lots of walking around, running down stairs, etc). That’s not normal. Even MFP says it’s too low. Duh.
I think I need to throw the holidays out the window and say screw it. There isn’t any way in hell I can keep to this carb crap when I have the holidays. I’m not saying the entire season, but saying I will allow “cheat days” on Thanksgiving, the day after T-Day, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve. Why not???
What the hell. I am trying here. I just want to cry…again.